Dear Ms Crabtree,
I’m sorry…. No, I’m really sorry about what happened at the school assembly this afternoon. My grandmother, Nene, picked me up after school and she thinks I should let you know why it happened. I’m not a naughty girl like you probably think. I’m usually really nice. My whole family thinks I’m really nice, I just get a little bit weird sometimes. I’ve asked Nene to type this apology to you but everything you are about to read is what I’m telling her to type. She thinks it’s a good idea.
I’m just a normal seven year old girl with a mischievous grin. Yeah, you’ve probably noticed I’ve got lots of front teeth missing at the moment but my Mum and Dad think it’s cute. My Nene and Pardy think so too. My Pardy reckons the new ones should come through when I’m about fifty or sixty. I hope so because I can’t whistle properly, and ninjas need to have secret whistles. Pardy calls me the “Toothless Ninja” because I’m training to be a ninja warrior. I want to save the world from bad dudes and do secret stuff and go on TV shows when I’m bigger. I practise throwing ninja stars at my sister, and Fluffybum our cat. Sometimes I hide in the house and leap out when Fluffybum or my sister wanders down the hall. I usually scream out “Heeee yaaa!” and snap a pretend karate kick towards them, and fire off about ten invisible ninja stars. I’m getting better at my karate kicks, and haven’t accidently kicked Fluffy for 2 weeks now.
And when I visit Nene’s house I do lots of practice, but Nene’s too easy. There’s no way she could beat me in a ninja battle. She’s way too slow, anyhow she says she wouldn’t be able to make me pancakes if she’s full of ninja stars, so I have to battle Pardy. He usually tries to avoid ninja battles with me. He always says he’s wearing a “cloak of invincibility” so he can’t lose. I reckon he’s just scared of my skills. I’ve even trained at the treetops adventure park at Bruxner Park. You should see me scream from tree to tree on a flying fox cable, Ms Crabtree. I’m awesome.
Aww… yeah. Sorry. I got sidetracked. I was telling you how it happened at the assembly. I know it was an important assembly, the last one for the year. And it was special for Kindergarten because, at the end, they were having their graduation with certificates and a graduation cake and all their parents were there to watch them. But us Year 1 kids were getting our awards first, and it was a real surprise when my name was called out for an Improvement Award. So I stood and stomped over some kids at the front of the hall and started walking up the steps onto the stage where you were handing out the certificates. I was trying hard not to smile too much so I squinched my eyes, and made my mouth all round and tight, a bit like a dog’s bottom. When I reached the third step up to the stage, well…. out of the corner of my eye, I saw Joey and Leo sitting with their class to the side. They were snickering and silently moving their hands quickly as though they were throwing ninja stars at me. You have to know, Ms Crabtree, that Joey and Leo are the enemy. They’re Koga ninjas and I’m an Iga ninja. Every lunchtime, we have battles in the playground. And here they were trying to take me out when I was getting my award. None of my friends were there to help, so I did what my training teaches me… I let them have six ninja stars straight away. From the steps. With really loud sounds so they wouldn’t try that again. “Pyowwww…pyowwww… pyowwww… pyowwww… pyowwww… pyowwww!”
I wish I hadn’t done it because all the parents and the whole school cracked up and laughed at me and I felt really silly. Then I did a ninja leap up the last three steps in a single jump. I almost made it too. You were waiting at the top with my certificate, and your hand was poking out to shake mine. When I missed the top step, I crashed into you. I’m sorry you were wearing your high-heeled shoes, Ms Crabtree, because it must be hard to balance in them when someone crashes into you. I saw your eyes go really wide and round with surprise and I watched you trying to keep your balance as you fell backwards across the table behind you, and straight into the Kindergarten Graduation cake. And then the table collapsed and you finished up lying on your back on the floor with your head flopped into the icing on the cake and your arms and legs were waving everywhere. And when you were flashing your Principal’s knickers at the whole school, all the kids and a lot of the teachers and parents were cracking up, but not me, I felt really bad for you. So now you know, Ms Crabtree…. it was all Joey and Leo’s fault.
Nene thinks I should have a day at home tomorrow, but can I send Pardy up to school to get my certificate? It’s OK if it’s got icing on it.